What-Ink

Little Luxuries

 Here's a fun thing to do. Begin every conversation with...Due to the state of the economy... It makes me laugh every time, particularly since my personal economy has been in the crapper for quite some time. (Thanks again Dimitri the scumbag con-artist. You're the best.) Nevertheless, the subject of this blog post follows that preface quite nicely. Due to the state of the economy, I'm creating a list of simple and inexpensive ways to bring more luxury into my life. This is what I've got so far...

1. Premium toilet paper with aloe. 2. Lots of books. 3. Lavender laundry detergent. 4. Scented candles. 5. Great music collection. 6. Frilly apron. 7. Plants. 8. Beautiful hand mirror. 9. Pretty soaps. 10. Wall hooks. 11. Silk pajamas. 12. Mussels in red sauce. 13. Plenty of pens and paper. 14. Trays that I actually use. 15. Spray paint in all colors (for impromptu decorating, not huffing.)

What would bring more luxury into your life?

50 Before 50

I'm working on my 50 Before 50 bucket list of 50 things I want to do before I turn 50. (Which, incidentally, will be October 19, 2009.) It's important to note that the list contains things I want to do as opposed to things I should do. That's not to say that all "shoulds" have been omitted. I've added a few not-so-fun things that would directly enhance my life, like, getting my driver's license, for one. (I'll save the explanation for another blog post. Or not.)

The  list is incomplete, but, since it's my list, I see no reason why I can't start checking some things off. So, without further delay, let's get started on Item #1 - POST 50 BLOG ENTRIES. So, here it is, a blog about my list. Feel free to check in on my progress. Maybe next time I'll blog about doing this...

I Forgot to Care

It's a cruel paradox. When nothing new is happening in my life, I write volumes about nothing. When I'm in the midst of collecting new experiences and insight, I stop writing altogether. I've often used an excuse based on my slanted interpretation of a Hemingway quote , “Never write about a place until you're away from it, because that gives you perspective." Of course, Hemingway didn't mean to stop writing altogether.

I would like to use the following excuses for my lack of discipline:

1. Moved to Austin in early July
2. Spent three weeks job hunting
3. Ran out of ADD meds for a week
4. Accepted a job offer to work for a cool publication!
5. Spent considerable time driving around town, looking for places to live, eating yummy food, sweating, drinking and shopping.

That's all I could come up with. When you consider some of the obstacles overcome by my blogging idol, Stephanie Kline, (blogged in NYC, got divorced, signed a book deal, got married, moved to Austin, gave birth to twins, nursed twins while they were hospitalized, got another book deal, kept blogging the entire time!) it's obvious that I'm just plain lazy.

Even though I've committed a cardinal blogging sin, abandoning my blog site soon after its inception, I feel secure knowing that my sin will most likely go undetected. It's the age-old question. If a blogger doesn't blog, and no one doesn't read it, does it still not exist? Something like that.

Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies

I have two types of friends. The friends who are fond of saying things like "As soon as you stop looking for love, you'll find it." or "Maybe you should learn how to be alone." And then, I have friends I actually like.

I've heard these two pieces of advice so often they've become cliche. Once a phrase become a cliche, my brain no longer processes its meaning. It files it somewhere between "for all intents and purposes," and "everything happens for a reason."

Suggesting to someone that they should learn to be alone is like telling a cancer patient that they should learn to be sick. Sick people aspire to return to their natural state of well-being, just like I aspire to be in a relationship. Sure, I can function without one. I can pay the rent, change light bulbs, perform basic math equations, but emotionally, I'm somewhat out of balance when I'm not in a relationship.

It's funny that I feel like I'm introducing some radical new concept by admitting this. Modern cultural conditioning has tried to turn independence into a badge of honor. Society is convinced that being single is a choice for which we should be proud. I suppose this could be true in a way. I've chosen to be single, about like I've chosen to be forty some-odd years old. The alternatives are much less attractive.

This concept of finding one's true love is a modern one that only serves to distract us from fulfilling our primal need of finding someone to help us survive. I blame it on Seinfeld. Long before television, men couldn't afford the luxury of dismissing a mate simply for having man hands or some other anomaly. There was too much to do and fewer options available. Plus, those man hands would have come in handy on the homestead.

Relationships have turned into acquisitions and the choices seem so endless that nature plays no part anymore. As with other acquisitions, our sense of relationship entitlement means we fear committing too much time to the sedan, when a Hummer could be right around the corner.

It's time to return to a simpler way of thinking, a time when "settling" meant security and a beer gut, not conjugal visits. So, while I refuse to learn how to be alone, I stopped looking for love some time ago, and so far the results have been less than favorable. Except for the smug satisfaction of proving my so called friends wrong.

Making My Move, Or Not

They say that when you’re involved in a toxic relationship, the signs are obvious, but we often choose to ignore them. Where I live, toxicity abounds in the pervasive smell of rotting meat carcass, the corrupt police force, last week’s tornado invasion, and the deal breaker of them all, our only department store has gone out of business.

This town has such a negative image that you would think we were all being held here against our will. Just the other day, when I mentioned to one of my customers that I was single, she felt compelled to warn me that as a single person living in this town, I stood a good chance of rotting. And to think that all these years I blamed the town’s trademark stench on the meat packing plant, when all along it was my soul decomposing. Which is why I vowed that when my youngest daughter graduated from high school, I would wait until the last guest went home from her graduation party, and then I would hit the road.

That was a week ago, and I’m still here. I always thought that when this day finally came, I would feel born-again, energized by my newfound freedom. Instead, I’ve become a victim of inertia. Like a bad marriage, it can sometimes take years to build up the courage to leave a miserable situation. The fear of the unknown often outweighs the familiarity of unhappiness, even if it means being stuck in a town that’s known for it’s mass production of meat, meth and migraines.

As hard as I am on this town and as much as I blame it for my dissatisfaction, I wonder if it’s equally simplistic to wager my future happiness on a different spot on the map. I know that happiness is a combination of many things, mostly internal, but as far as external influences go, how important is location to our overall happiness?

According to Brazen Careerist, Penelope Trunk, making a conscious decision to live in a community that meets your core needs and interests can greatly improve your quality of life. In fact, progressive city leaders  are beginning to understand that cities need to be competitive in order to attract vibrant populations.

I blame my ex-husband for bringing me here over 20 years ago. When we decided to separate, after 14 years of marriage, I approached the situation like it was a new project. I conducted in-depth research into finding the perfect place to live. After declaring, Portland, Oregon the winner, I gave myself a trip to Portland as a birthday present. It was my first time going to a strange city alone which was apropos for this new phase of my life.

It was mid-October when I landed in Portland, and the weather couldn’t have been more perfect. Portland looked like it had been scrubbed cleaned and polished in anticipation of my visit. I don’t know if it was a result of all the research or if I had some kind of inner connection with the city, but after renting a car and exploring every corner, I felt like I had been there all my life.

But, rather than move to Portland right away, I chose to wait until my kids were out of school. Six years have passed and circumstances have changed. Finances have changed. I’ve been forced to re-think the economic realities of starting over in a city with a high cost of living. Now that my son lives in my hometown of Austin, I’m re-considering the Portland plan in favor of Austin and being near family. Now that the time has come for me to take action, I’m finding all kinds of lame excuses for postponing the move- Austin is too hot and humid. I don’t fit in to the Austin scene. The traffic sucks. Then, I look at pictures of Lake Travis, or the 360 Bridge and I remember why so many people put up with the heat and the traffic in exchange for beautiful scenery, great food, and creative people.

Austin and Portland have a lot in common as far as aesthetics are concerned, but the more powerful similarities are the intangible qualities that draw me to both cities. I suppose this is the same kind of energy that two people feel when they experience “chemistry.” Apart from its physical “genetics” a city is made unique by the people who form its personality.

In Wendy Water's review of  Richard Florida’s Who's Your City evidence shows that cities do, indeed, have distinct personalities. These personalities, according to Florida, emerge through the power of clustering. In his examination of clustering, the author confirmed that certain cities and mega regions tend to attract similar personality types. For example, extroverted people gravitate toward Chicago and other cities in a swatch heading southward including St. Louis, Memphis and Atlanta. Neurotic people cluster very heavily in New York. Open to experience people cluster in California and Cascadia, among other places. Read the rest of this post.

While I’m not so naïve as to believe that I will become blissfully happy just by moving to a better city, it’s definitely worth exploring the possibilities. Living here feels like a toxic relationship with a partner whose values and interests run counter to my own. I may never know for sure whether Portland or Austin is ideal for my personality, but after living here for 20 years, I think it’s safe to say that this city and I were never right for each other. And that’s okay. I’m moving soon.

 

Dear Advertising Customer:

I would like to clear the air about the problems in our relationship. Until recently, I assumed all responsibility for your happiness. Our consumer-driven culture has conditioned me to cheerfully be at your beck and call, selflessly seeking to satisfy your every whim. Perhaps you're aware, as I am, of the mounting tension that has begun to put distance between us.

While my intentions are honorable, I must confess that I have been less than sincere. I've disappointed you by promising to fulfill your every desire and then falling short of the goal. I sense your anger and frustration when I fail to live up to your expectations.

It hurts to feel that you don't appreciate how hard I work trying to make you happy. I hate to say it, but I'm starting to resent you for your unreasonable demands, but rather than make you upset, I suffer in silence. Sometimes, when I get overwhelmed, I start ignoring you altogether. I fear this situation is not working for either of us, but I'm not ready to give up on us just yet. I want to repair our relationship, but I will need some cooperation.

While I want nothing more than for you to feel like you are the most important person in my life, there are about 50 to 100 of you vying for my attention. I want to devote time to all of you, but in order to do that, we need to make some changes.

Did you know that as a customer, you possess the power to improve your customer experience? The best place to start is by identifying your objective.

• Do you want to attract the top candidates for a position opening?
• Are you a regular advertiser who would like to simplify the process so you spend less time placing ads and more time screening applicants?
• Do you have a last minute job opening for a position that needs to be filled in a hurry?
• Do you need to go through an approval process with multiple parties? If so, how much time do you need to allow for the process?
• Do you need assistance with writing the ad? Have you prepared an outline of the position requirements?

Once you've identified your goal, you can communicate your needs to me, so that I can determine what needs to be done to meet your expectations. It is then up to me to be honest in my assessment so that you aren't expecting more than is reasonable.

As an empowered customer who takes responsibility for your part in the relationship, you would benefit by reading over the following suggestions.

1. Deadlines: Let's get clear on the definition of a deadline. A 3:00 pm deadline, for example, is not the same as an invitation. It doesn't mean that you should call or come by precisely at 3:00 pm. It means that once the deadline hits, it is the final time of departure. It takes a large team of individuals to create, design, publish, print and deliver the daily newspaper. The smallest delay can cause major problems with production. So, no matter how much you beg and plead to get your ad in for the weekend, there's nothing either of us can do at this point but wave buh bye to the caboose. (Seriously, if it was so important to place the ad for the weekend, why did you wait until the last minute?)
2. TGIF: You don't have to wait until Friday to place an ad over the weekend, even though that is what 80% of you do.  Consider that earlier in the week I am only servicing 20% of my customers. These customers are no more or less important than the 80% group, yet they tend to receive better service, simply because of timing. The reality is that if you wait until Friday to place an ad, you have voluntarily chosen to accept less than optimal customer service.
3. Non-Profiteers: I appreciate your selfless dedication to a cause, really I do, but trying to guilt me into giving you a better rate won't work because unlike you, I actually work for profit.
4. Back-In-the-Day Dreamers: It doesn't do either of us any good to reminisce about the days when you could buy a full page ad for a nickel. Then, I feel compelled to share memories of when I wore a size 2 and had a 20 inch waist, proving, once again, how wishful thinking distorts our reality.
5. Something for Nothingers: If you are fixated on getting the lowest price possible on an ad, then you must be willing to adjust your expectations accordingly. If an ad fails to attract attention, or by some miracle does attract attention, but fails to engage the reader, then don't blame me for getting what you paid for. In addition, if after complaining about your ad's ineffectiveness, you refuse to take my advice about adding information, instead of just re-running the same ad, you might as well give me the money directly. At least that way, one of us benefits.
6. Monogamists: I meant it when I said I wanted you to feel like my one and only, but you'll have to accept the fact that every time you email a question, or attempt to call, you are one of about 20 other customers with whom I am in simultaneous contact. I suggest that you consolidate your questions as much as possible, or consider carefully the value of adding the word "is" to an ad .
7. Repeat Offenders: I think you know who you are. I provided you with the best rates for your needs. You asked if I could go lower. I suggested another option. You asked again. I told you that I gave you all possible options and that there were no lower rates. You asked again...I'm ignoring you now.
8. Time Princess: Remember that time that you called at 4:55 on a Friday and asked if I would send you copies of all the ads that you ran over the past year? Though you weren't even my customer, I said I would do it for you. Then you demanded that I get those to you on the same day. The day that was soon to be over. I automatically agreed to do what you asked, because I was unenlightened. I didn't stop to evaluate that your request was unreasonable. Which it was.

I think that we have developed a good foundation for a long-term relationship, as long as we're both willing to compromise. Besides, there's too much at stake, namely our jobs.

Your Devoted Servant,

JG

Thanks Be To Bob

I would like to thank Bob in Accounting for providing the inspiration behind this blog. Bob is in charge of collections for our mutual employer, a local publishing company. As the senior advertising sales rep, I generate a pretty decent amount of revenue for the company, which produces the unfortunate side effect of numerous confrontations with Bob.

It's not unusual for accountants and salespeople to work in conflict. As a rule, salespeople focus on building relationships, while accountants focus on building numbers. Conflict tends to arise when both parties focus on their own agenda to such an extent that they forget that they're playing for the same team. Bob isn’t a bad guy, he’s just a one-dimensional drone on an power trip. When his ego interferes with my ability to generate revenue, that’s when we have problems. Lately, our problems seem to have escalated to a personal level, the details of which are irrelevant to this blog's purpose. What is relevant, however, is Bob's annoying habit of asking "why?" For years, Bob would leave notes on my desk (not surprisingly, he had an aversion to using email), asking "Why wasn't this charge put on a credit card? Why did you bill this customer? Why didn't you mail this receipt?" Since these notes were often pertaining to transactions from three months ago, my memory is not equipped to recall my unique state of mind during this one conversation. My annoyance with his "why" notes blossomed into a full blown pet peeve as I realized that even if I had an explanation for why I did or didn't do something a certain way, what purpose would that explanation serve?

Though I managed to curb my sarcasm for a while, I had my breaking point at the same time that Bob decided to embrace email. He must have figured out the cc function that allowed him to copy his latest "why" question to all of my superiors. I decided to take the opportunity to express my disdain for the repeated use of the question "why?" to a captive audience of "Reply All." My reply:

Dearest Bob:

Thank you for bringing this oversight to my attention as well as to the attention of my superiors who must be on the edge of their seats waiting for my answer. Considering the vast number of transactions that occupy my time, I am unable to extract from memory the detailed answer that you seek. Instead, I offer some possible suggestions as to my state of mind on this particular day:

1. Perhaps I suffer from a debilitating fear of the number 4 which precludes my ability to process Visa payments.
2. My frozen entree lunch took longer than usual, possibly rendering me radioactive at the time of said transaction.
3. More than likely it was a case of cranial flatulence, a silent but deadly affliction that strikes randomly and at inopportune times.

If these answers fail to provide you with the information necessary to become a more effective member of the team, then I would like to propose that we enact a policy of eliminating all questions that begin with "why?" This will free us to ask more engaging and action-oriented questions like "what happened? What should we do next? What's working? What's not working?" In this particular case, it is obvious that I forgot to run the customer's credit card. What's next? Well, I will print out the invoice and submit the payment to the business office. Problem solved.

Sincerely,

JG

Turns out, my sarcasm didn’t go undetected. In his anger, poor Bob was thrown into an arena for which he was ill-equipped. Bob made the mistake of exchanging insults with the advertising director, who retaliated with threats of physical violence. That was not my intention.

Nevertheless, Bob’s unfortunate dismissal was the catalyst for my creating a blog dedicated to soap boxing against the wanton use of vacuous or otherwise redundant conversations. Such phrases as “Are you sure? No one told me about…That’s the way it’s always been done,” are a few of my targets for elimination.

Don't be surprised if I veer completely off topic to discuss the realities navigating my way through a quarter-life crisis in a Baby Boomer's body. I expect, as with most blogs, this site’s content will evolve through our online interaction as we attempt to answer the only question worth asking, “What’s next?”